I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything. I’ve struggled with what to stay. I don’t want to be the Debbie Downer and dump all of my raw, depressing emotions here so I tend to go to the far opposite end and say nothing instead. A friend suggested I give updating a shot to help pull me out of my current slump. Long story short, I’m still working through many issues and battling my eating disorder. In fact, the more I work on my issues, the stronger my eating disorder gets. Ed, as I call him, happens to be on steroids currently. Just to give you a better picture of Ed and how I view him in my mind, he looks a little bit like the pile of poo emoji with eyes and a mouth, except he’s not so friendly looking and slightly scary. He has a horrible stench the follows him everywhere he goes. It reminds me of the way the dust storm around the kid, Pigpen, in Charlie Brown is drawn up. He really is just a big pile of shit. That’s exactly how I explained it to my therapist and dietician. A big pile of shit that follows me around. That’s quite the visual isn’t it?
Which begs the question, “why?” Why do I give this pile of shit such power in my life? Why do I place more value on the opinion from the pile of shit than from my own core values that I believe are solid and come from a good place. Unfortunately, I don’t know these answers yet.
Every day is still a work in progress. 2016 has been a year full of enormous challenges that I did not think I could survive. But I did. I’m still here and I’m stronger today than I was when the year started. I’m looking forward to seeing what 2017 brings for me. I know that it will also bring hard times. But I also have learned this year that it is those moments of struggle that make those moments of happiness feel so great. You cannot feel joy if you do not feel pain. In 2017 I chose to feel.
Here’s a quick list my therapist and I put together that I use to remind myself what recovery looks like to me, so that I don’t get overly focused on my struggles. What does your recovery look like?
In no particular order:
- At a restaurant, I choose what to eat and not Ed.
- I don’t punish myself for food choices.
- I can have trigger food at home and not lose control.
- The scale doesn’t determine my day/worth/mood.
- I deal with feelings rather than resorting to food.
- I don’t have to earn food.
- I accept my body most days. (This one is probably my favorite!)